I must give praises to God Almighty today. Just last week I asked my Fellowship Group to pray that I'd be able to ask someone to forgive me for wrongs that I had done. One woman, said "you ever think maybe its not time, since that person keeps rejecting you? I mean the Holy Spirit doesn't just lead you into something and not know the outcome." Another said, "What if Rachel, is being obedient, what if the other person just isn't listening to what the Spirit is telling her?" Needless to say I had sided with the latter of the two.
Feeling quite distressed though, I went to therapy on Thursday and told my therapist, "Look, she can either speak to me on earth and forgive me or not. Either way the jokes on her, because she has to spend eternity with me." Larking about is my way of dealing with rejection, preceived or otherwise.
Today, I got up about 20 mins too late to go to church, but decided to go anyway. I thought, "Well I'll just leave early and come home and do my tests for school, then go to work." When the time came for me to leave, I couldn't budge. I tried every rational I could think of to get me out of that seat and into my car to come home. "I wasn't going to take communion, so why stay for it?" "I just didn't feel like being at church." "Well I came to the sermon, so why stay afterwards and talk to everyone?" Praise be to God, that I did stay, because while I was talking to someone about my student loan refunds that I had gotten, I the person I wanted to apologize walked in and said, "Sorry to interupt, but what did you want last week?" My heart leapt and I said, "Come over here, let's talk." Now I had a whole speech planned for the apology...but all I could say was "I'm Sorry." When asked for what, all I could say was "For everything." She told me all was forgiven, but that we wouldn't be friends. As she felt gunshy about me (and with good reason). Now that did come as a shock, but what was more was when she said to me, "Look, I need to apologize to you too." I mean you could have knocked me over with a feather, I said, "For what?" nearly laughing, and crying at the same time, she said, "For the way I handled things, I didn't mean to alienate you, I should have just said, back off." We spoke, because I told her I wanted us to be civil to each other, that I knew we couldn't be friends. Then I cried all the way home...matter of fact, if I fail my psychology and biblical survey tests, it's because I am so happy right now that I got something off my chest and I realize that while I may not be good at relationships, I serve a God who can take my messups and fix them.
So today, as I give praises to God, I have to say "I AM NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE, BUT I THANK GOD I AM NOT WHERE I USED TO BE!"
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