I must give praises to God Almighty today. Just last week I asked my Fellowship Group to pray that I'd be able to ask someone to forgive me for wrongs that I had done. One woman, said "you ever think maybe its not time, since that person keeps rejecting you? I mean the Holy Spirit doesn't just lead you into something and not know the outcome." Another said, "What if Rachel, is being obedient, what if the other person just isn't listening to what the Spirit is telling her?" Needless to say I had sided with the latter of the two.
Feeling quite distressed though, I went to therapy on Thursday and told my therapist, "Look, she can either speak to me on earth and forgive me or not. Either way the jokes on her, because she has to spend eternity with me." Larking about is my way of dealing with rejection, preceived or otherwise.
Today, I got up about 20 mins too late to go to church, but decided to go anyway. I thought, "Well I'll just leave early and come home and do my tests for school, then go to work." When the time came for me to leave, I couldn't budge. I tried every rational I could think of to get me out of that seat and into my car to come home. "I wasn't going to take communion, so why stay for it?" "I just didn't feel like being at church." "Well I came to the sermon, so why stay afterwards and talk to everyone?" Praise be to God, that I did stay, because while I was talking to someone about my student loan refunds that I had gotten, I the person I wanted to apologize walked in and said, "Sorry to interupt, but what did you want last week?" My heart leapt and I said, "Come over here, let's talk." Now I had a whole speech planned for the apology...but all I could say was "I'm Sorry." When asked for what, all I could say was "For everything." She told me all was forgiven, but that we wouldn't be friends. As she felt gunshy about me (and with good reason). Now that did come as a shock, but what was more was when she said to me, "Look, I need to apologize to you too." I mean you could have knocked me over with a feather, I said, "For what?" nearly laughing, and crying at the same time, she said, "For the way I handled things, I didn't mean to alienate you, I should have just said, back off." We spoke, because I told her I wanted us to be civil to each other, that I knew we couldn't be friends. Then I cried all the way home...matter of fact, if I fail my psychology and biblical survey tests, it's because I am so happy right now that I got something off my chest and I realize that while I may not be good at relationships, I serve a God who can take my messups and fix them.
So today, as I give praises to God, I have to say "I AM NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE, BUT I THANK GOD I AM NOT WHERE I USED TO BE!"
26 July 2009
01 July 2009
Blessing the Space Between Us
I was at the library and reading various books in the religion/bible section and something just pulled my heart over to the prayer section where I found a book called "To Bless the Space Between Us." At first I thought, whatever, it's got a nice celtic design on the front, but whatever! Then something (God) told me to pick it up and thumb through it; so I did.
I found a prayer, "For Lost Friends" and immediately I thought about that person who may or may not getting a restraining order against me. And as I read it, I felt more inclined to share that prayer here.
As Twilight makes a rainbow robe
From the concealed colors of day
In order for time to stay alive
Within the dark weight of night,
May we lose no one we love
From the shelter of our hearts.
When we love another heart
And allow it to love us,
We journey deep below time
Into that eternal weave
Where nothing unravels.
May we have the grace to see
despite the hurt of rupture,
The searing of anger,
And the empty disappointment,
That whoever we have loved,
Such love can never quench.
Though a door may have closed,
Closed between us,
May we be able to view
Our lost friends with eyes
Wise with calming grace;
Forgive them the damage
We were left to inherit;
Free ourselves from the chains
Of forlorn resentment;
Bring warmth again to
Where the heart has frozen
In order that beyond the walls
Of our cherished hurt
And chosen distance
We may be able to
Celebrate the gifts they brought,
Learn and grow from the pain,
And prosper into difference,
Wishing them peace
Where spirit can summon
Beauty from wounded space.
Now that prayer of blessing is especially hard for one like me to write, because this is the second person to hate me enough to want to damage me with a restraining/protective order. But it is a sincere prayer. I do wish this person peace, and I know for a fact (because God promises me in Isaiah 61:2 that I "receive Beauty for Ashes."
Right now my ashes are my sorrow, disappointment and discouragement, but the beauty that I will receive is righteousness and favor amoung men and angels. It may not come in this life, I may have to live with sorrow for many, many, many years, but I will receive a reward for fighting this fight. All I can do is fight the good fight, allow the Holy Spirit to come and heal my heart, from the brokeness that it is feeling.
But God is a God of mercy, tender mercies...and he shall supply all our needs as long as we allow him. I encourage you today to go and lay down things at God's feet and allow Him to take away the pain, disappointment and discouragement, let him give you, "Beauty for Ashes, strength for Fear, gladness for morning, peace for dispair" with out them, and with out God, we can't go on.
I found a prayer, "For Lost Friends" and immediately I thought about that person who may or may not getting a restraining order against me. And as I read it, I felt more inclined to share that prayer here.
As Twilight makes a rainbow robe
From the concealed colors of day
In order for time to stay alive
Within the dark weight of night,
May we lose no one we love
From the shelter of our hearts.
When we love another heart
And allow it to love us,
We journey deep below time
Into that eternal weave
Where nothing unravels.
May we have the grace to see
despite the hurt of rupture,
The searing of anger,
And the empty disappointment,
That whoever we have loved,
Such love can never quench.
Though a door may have closed,
Closed between us,
May we be able to view
Our lost friends with eyes
Wise with calming grace;
Forgive them the damage
We were left to inherit;
Free ourselves from the chains
Of forlorn resentment;
Bring warmth again to
Where the heart has frozen
In order that beyond the walls
Of our cherished hurt
And chosen distance
We may be able to
Celebrate the gifts they brought,
Learn and grow from the pain,
And prosper into difference,
Wishing them peace
Where spirit can summon
Beauty from wounded space.
Now that prayer of blessing is especially hard for one like me to write, because this is the second person to hate me enough to want to damage me with a restraining/protective order. But it is a sincere prayer. I do wish this person peace, and I know for a fact (because God promises me in Isaiah 61:2 that I "receive Beauty for Ashes."
Right now my ashes are my sorrow, disappointment and discouragement, but the beauty that I will receive is righteousness and favor amoung men and angels. It may not come in this life, I may have to live with sorrow for many, many, many years, but I will receive a reward for fighting this fight. All I can do is fight the good fight, allow the Holy Spirit to come and heal my heart, from the brokeness that it is feeling.
But God is a God of mercy, tender mercies...and he shall supply all our needs as long as we allow him. I encourage you today to go and lay down things at God's feet and allow Him to take away the pain, disappointment and discouragement, let him give you, "Beauty for Ashes, strength for Fear, gladness for morning, peace for dispair" with out them, and with out God, we can't go on.
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